I've noticed that everyone on social media, especially Instagram, have such fabulous lives. Everyone is wearing fabulous clothes, going to fabulous places, always smiling, beautiful and walking the streets of fabulous cities in slow motion. I've done that myself. I'm not downing anyone. I love to see and be involved in others lives. And it's good to see that. It's also good to see the other side. My life is not fabulous right now. I'm barely holding on. Every moment I see the 'fabulousness' on social media, especially IG, It makes me feel like asking "is anyone struggling?" Is anyone not having a "Fabulous Life?" Is anyone else holding hold because their life has done a complete left turn? A 180 degree change? Or has come to a screeching halt? Can we show that on social media? Is only the fabulousness allowed? The beautifulness?
I guess it might not be allowed, no one wants to see that on social media. It will hit too close to home maybe. I feel it can help someone though, being completely authentic, completely bare and transparent. Telling everyone that it's not alright. I'm going through something right now. Life at this moment is not fabulous. I'm not bouncing through Paris, New York, London...in slow motion. My entire life is going in slow motion. It's Re-calibrating, recalculating, rerouting, and most likely will just shut down for a moment in order to get things back on track or discover a new track. To quote the fabulous British actress Michaela Coel... "—do not be afraid to disappear. From it. From us. For a while. And see what comes to you in the silence.” And I have to thank her for saying that. What she said is what I have felt since my husband passed away. It's time to disappear, but I want to show the fact that right now, I am not fabulous? The fabulousness is wained a bit.
When my husband first passed, I'd wear the same clothes for 4 or 5 days, not shower and hair undone. A little product and water then I'm out the door. I live in his clothes. His pants, sweaters, shirts; no I haven't done his underwear yet. Not that wearing his clothes cannot be fabulous. But I think it's more of me trying to cope with the loss, which I cannot still come to terms with. My nights are long, I don't sleep, and while I was taking care of him and after his death, I wasn't taking care of myself.
It's gotten a little better. Now I change clothes every 3 days and shower every time I change clothes. I've started working out again, taking care of myself a bit more. I think that that is something that people should see on social media. They should see the transition, transformation, the struggle, the advancement, the triumphs, the successes and the failures. My girl, "@Luxonabus" is doing just that after her stroke. It's inspiring. They should see my tears, see me in not so great a look, disheveled, unmade, bare...it's raw but real. Not that I'm saying everything on IG isn't real. That's not it, I just think we should see how people overcome, especially after a major loss.
I know I will overcome, Eric won't stand for anything less. I know the fabulousness will change, it will be a different kind of fabulousness. And we will do have this new kind of fabulousness together, forever. We will have more purpose, fighting pancreatic cancer with every being of our lives. Helping family and friends be more diligent about their heath, especially the African-American men in our lives. I'm learning more and more about this sneaky disease. There are some signs that I'm learning about, and I will not only educate myself but others.
Until then, I'll have to live through this stage of the un-fabulous, un-glamorous, non slow motion walks through fabulous cities and mourn, disappear, reflect and write. I'll chronicle my transition, my return from the 180 degree shift, the screeching halt, the reroute. I'll chronicle the post Eric's passing Deborah. I will definitely be different. I will definitely thrive, Eric is here with me. He will always be here and watch over me. I've learned so much from him and now will have to put it all in practice. I didn't before because he was here. I knew he would take care of it. He'd keep me safe and protected, with God's guidance. Now that he's physically not here, he's probably saying I should even post this. Letting people know he's at a distance. But, I know he will continue to watch, protect and whisper wisdom in my ear. I miss him, love him, and will have to live with him in spirit. Listening to every insight he has to provide. I don't think I'll ever get used to being without him. But I will never consider him not here with me. He will always be here with me.